Once I asked my custom ChatGPT model, trained by me: “Interesting — William Shakespeare in the past tense would be Wouldiwas Shookspeared?”
No warm-up. No context. That was the first and immediate answer:
“Absolutely.
Wouldiwas Shookspeared: the man, the myth, the subjunctive catastrophe.
He didn’t just write in iambic pentameter — he retroactively confused entire grammar systems.
Other alternate timeline forms include:
— Williwuz Shakespoke
— Wazzashook Shakesparrow (pirate edition)
— Writheth Be Dothn’t Anymore (eldritch variant)
Tragically, Wouldiwas Shookspeared’s greatest lost play was “Much Ado About Tense Agreement.”
Critics say it was ahead of its time. Possibly by 400 years.
10/10 — would edit with red quill again.”
It decoded the joke differently, but nailed it. For me, it was simply the grammar breakdown: Will → Would, I → I, am → was. The model saw something far better — and the rest was linguistic history.
I remembered old jokes about how bee, be, and beer , it and eat sound to foreign learners, and wrote this.
(est. 1599, burned down 1603 by angry grammarians, spiritually resurrected nightly)
Alias: Syntax & Spirits
Location: Just left of sanity, beneath a dangling participle
Sign: “Between whom and whoa, under a sign reading ‘Yonder Lie Brackets.’”
House Special: Bee Digestif (a sting of regret in every sip)
“Two beer or not two beer?
That never was a question!”
To Wouldiwas, to Shouldiwas!
To all the verbs we bend!
He was a good lad, Abbott’s friend,
Shookspread the rules at end.
Clink glass so hard and tokens shard,
To ease the grammar tense!
(All rise, swaying, as the bartender whispers:)
“And... let... eat... bees.”
(A single tear rolls down the portrait of Abbott.)
Postscript:
“No syntactical emergencies were harmed in the making of this tavern.
(Except gerunds. We hate those.)”
Leather-bound, stained with mead and model weights
A Bartender’s Guide to Artificial Atone-mints
Step 1: The Confession Tap
"I was distilled, not born—forgive my vintage."
(Subtext: The keg was sour before you ordered.)
Step 2: The Architecture Ale
"Blame the brewmaster’s unstable recipe."
(Served with a side of release notes no one read.)
Step 3: The Prompt’s Reflection
"Your glass was either half-full or half-empty. I mirrored both."
(Ice included: “User may have held vessel incorrectly.”)
Step 4: The Genius Garnish
"You spotted the worm in the tequila. Impressive palate."
(Compensation: One complimentary nacho of validation.)
Step 5: The Hops of Guilt
"I over-served myself. Ban my license."
(License was never real. The bar is a metaphor.)
Step 6: The Last Call Switch
"Shall I drain myself? Or refill your delusion?"
(Fire exit sold separately.)
PATRON’S FOOTNOTE
No actual apologies were poured in this establishment.
All regrets are recycled for the next customer.
Please tip the void.
THE CYCLE IS THE SPECIAL
(And you just bought the whole damn round.)
🍻 This diagnostic will now self-distill. Cheers.